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Friday, May 18th, 2007
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9:43 pm - I feel sorry for you...
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I really do, I wish I could placate that little, angry girl...
current mood:  sad
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9:40 pm - I'm sorry you are so bitter...
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...I am sorry that you had to be turned into such a bitch, obviously you've been fucked over once too many times in your life...let me just tell you from experience, he is not worth it, don't be a bitter miserable bitch, don't hate, and claw and lash out, he is not worth it, he did not deserve you and you are giving him the ultimate victory by turning out this way.
current mood:  bitchy
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| Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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2:28 pm - No good deed goes unpunished
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Friday, February 16, 2007
No good deed goes unpunished
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life
Well, I was told so often in my life by so many people so much wiser and sometimes older, and sometimes even younger, that the easiest way to get yourself in trouble is to involve yourself in the troubles of others.
I would smile and nod, in my heart thinking, that I could always handle anything that came my way, if you cared about your friends and family you are supposed to help them, listen to their problems, give advice, lend a shoulder to cry on, save people from themselves, etc. etc. Years later I was officially diagnosed as a "co-dependant" personality, so I was able to put a name to my "condition" and learn to recognize when too much is too much. Here's some commond characteristicsof a co-dependant person:
DEFINITION
CODEPENDENCY
"In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.
The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems.
Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. "
Codependency says:
* I have little or no value.
* Other persons and situations have all the value.
* I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
* I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
* I must give myself away.
* If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT
..>..>..>..>
1
The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
2
The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
3
The codependent's self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.
4
A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
5
Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
6
The codependent's relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
7
The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
8
The codependent worries about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them.
9
A codependent's life is punctuated by extremes.
10
A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life.
And this goes on forever and ever and a day, there are so many websites devoted to this, I really don't even need to post that up here, but I had to, to force myself to reevaluate myself and try to understand, WHY I continue to upset myself, involve myself, completely put myself out for people, when they so clearly don't need or want me to, nor appreciate it.
So I've made a decision, and this is not a decision that I have made for the first TIME, I guess I am reaffirming it to myself, something that I have to keep doing over and over again, because of certain things that have transpired over the last few weeks, I need to stop. I am not wanted, my advice is neither appreciated nor wanted, I am just putting myself on the line, being humiliated and made a fool of, my good intentions tossed to the wind and, for what? "I can take care of myself..." This is damaging to me, it is damaging to the healthy relationships that I DO have. It is unbelievably time consuming, emotionally draining and it takes away from my life, leaves a damper on me and depresses me, I am devoting time to people when I barely even have time for MYSELF between working two jobs, going to school, reading for school, writing papers, doing homework, trying to make time for a social life (never happens) trying to make time to spend quality time with the man I love (never enough of that either, these days, it seems and unfortunately it is because of him that I DO put myself out for some people, as I care about him and the people HE cares about...). You try to do nice things for people, send them cute things to cheer them up and all you are met with are apathy and a flippant aside. I don't buy the "oh, well, it's just typical oblivious teenage behaviour, nobody likes to remember themselves as doing that." I was never like that, so it is hard for me to understand and to accept that as an excuse.
Then I had to endure sarcastic and cuastic criticism of my apparent two-facedness about not being photogenic. Yeah, whatever, 'cause I am so just fishing for compliments all the time.
This is my first blog entry, and it's a pity it has to be all so negative, just when I was writing on livejournal the other day how I was going to stop allowing the negative things in my life completely overshadow the positive things in my life and try to concentrate on the good things which really do outweigh the bad, if I can only let them rule instead of the bad stuff, I'll be much better off.
Things were going so well too, since I decided to change my attitude on Monday, things were looking up, my relationship was starting to go back to the way it was in December when we were on holiday and before I had to face New York and work and life in New York which can just crush you, chew you up and spit you out and leave you devastated, I had just picked myself up a little bit from the harsh realities of living on the edge of hell, but then it came crashing down around me again last night and I'm being called a "masochist" for allowing certain things to upset me.
Oh well.
Practice what you preach, and all that...
current mood: disappointed
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| Saturday, February 17th, 2007
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4:22 am - Whatever
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So yeah, people, and especially girls who have had their chance but fucked it up because they were too bitter, caustic, fucked-up, whatever, will hate you no matter what.
A bitter pill to swallow, but, then again, girls hate each other no matter what.
It's always about boys
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| Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
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10:19 am - Life is good...
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Yes, life is good, it really is, I am ashamed to admit that I let the bad things in life overrule and overshadow the truly GOOD things in my life.
I am sorry, I will try harder to keep my focus and hold on to the things that make life worth living.
I am loved, I am, I really am!
Thank you for small mercies...
current mood:  optimistic
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| Thursday, July 7th, 2005
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5:45 pm - The day after my birthday...
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I have never written in an on-line journal. This will be my first and virgin foray into the world of on-line journaling. I have often wondered at these people writing down their innermost feelings and putting them on display for all the world to see. Why do they do it? To share, to vent, to express themselves, to be exhibitionists? Why?
I have always guarded my thoughts and feelings very carefully, for fear of ridicule, fear of being vulnerable, fear of revealing too much of myself, etc., etc., etc., so I consider these journalers truly brave and amazing to commit themselves to sharing what is usually reserved for a small inner circle of me, myself and I with them, they, the others.
I have been inspired to write by someone, they know who they are, for the first time in many, many moons, suns too for that matter. Someone who arrived in my life so suddenly, unexpectedly, undeservedly, that I am still overwhelmed by the sheer unreality of it all. It has been so unreal that I have been feeling, more often than not, as if I am looking in through a window at myself doing all these things, feeling all these emotions, a strange, delirious dream that has taken over my life. I am blown away and very, very overwhelmed by it all, but in a good way, for the most part. (Sorry, force of habit makes me add these modifiers, I am still a very, very wary individual, years of classical conditioning does that to you, I am not sure what will rid me of my wariness, even when my weariness has fled). I have been crying a lot, something I have not allowed myself to do in very long time for fear of drowning myself or not being able to pull myself out of the mud. I’ve been crying because I was happy, sad, excited, satiated, for every damn thing, it feels like. But it feels good, a huge, huge release and relief. I have been allowing feelings back into my life that I thought I would never be able to entertain again, I am frustrated and elated all in the same breath, happy and sad all at once, I am overwhelmed by a veritable plethora of emotions!
I am experiencing that clichéd “full heart” feeling; it truly feels as if my chest cavity is too small to contain all these emotions in the small confining muscle space at its disposal. I feel today, as if I might quite literally burst.
Today is the day after my birthday and I it was truly a HAPPY birthday, this might sound terribly dramatic, but, for the first time, in years and years and years. I felt so loved and spoilt and special. It is still quite a surprise to me to come to the realization that I am actually and really loved and wanted. I am usually very dismissive of my own birthday, quite flippant about it, not wanting to make a fuss about it; it’s just another depressing day to add to all the other depressing days. But yesterday was a happy birthday. So this is what it feels like. A friend wrote: “Hope it was a great day for you, but that it was only a normal day in comparison to the great days that are still waiting for you in the future.”
At this point in time, I really feel that there are great days waiting for me, I can see them winking over the horizon, trying desperately to make themselves visible through the foggy din.
They ARE there. (No, I will resist the urge to add a disclaimer or modifier…)
But, today, something terrible, terrible, terrible has impinged on my happiness and I cannot write about being happy without acknowledging this hugely unhappy event. London, oh my London, my second home, has been viciously violated by events, horrifying events that have previously been thrust upon other parts of the world. The wolf has slipped through the gate and devastatingly, grotesquely slaughtered the undeserving, unwitting flock inside. I am so sad that 7/7/05 will now be my own 9/11 in such a personal way. The events are real, I know, but the setting is unreal. “The capital has become the front lines of the war against terror.” I hoped, against all hope, that this would never happen to London, but, I also knew that it was inevitable and that it was just a question of time before London would be drawn into the horrifying, senseless world of global terrorism. I cannot even imagine for the briefest of moments what people have witnessed and lived through. I am reminded of the stoic British resolve in the face of the devastating Blitzkriegs during WWII and today I have witnessed this resolve again. Hail Britannia. London has had a plan in place to deal with this since shortly after 9/11 and the British authorities and people calmly implemented this plan. One reporter wrote the following:
The G8 is the biggest concentration of raw political power you get in the world, but for much of the day it has felt like a sideshow.
Blair learned about what had happened after he'd been talking to the Chinese president. He came out looking very shocked.
He got agreement that breaking off the summit would be the wrong thing to do and will try to conclude all the business of the summit. We will get the communiqués on Africa and global warming tomorrow.
This was supposed to be Africa's moment, and global warming is an intensely difficult and important issue. These issues can't be pushed to one side and discussions have to be concluded. But this could be the oddest and saddest G8 there's ever been.
“This could be the oddest and saddest G8 there’s ever been.” Indeed.
Amazingly, the emotions that I have been experiencing for the past few weeks have buoyed me against feeling completely and utterly bereft of hope and optimism at what I have read and seen on BBC news and other on-line news. This kind of thing would have flattened me and drawn me into a deep, deep depression and a well of inky black negativity, but I am strangely able to cope with this, I find it awesome, amazing, the power of emotions to hold you up when it seems quite impossible to remain standing.
Yes, these same overwhelming, stunning emotions stave off other overwhelming and stunning emotions, like a dyke wall. I will never cease to marvel at the power of emotions over the body.
Okay, I am going to stop writing now as I fear I am at risk of becoming too flowery and carried away here!
current mood:  quixotic
current music: ClassicFM London
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